Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Mt 11, 28-30)

Introduction

Being born and growing up in a pathological family is not easy at all, especially when you know you were an unwanted child. If we want a child to feel as good as possible, we are obliged to create an ideal environment where they can socialize safely. If parents live in a bad environment, we can be sure that the child will not feel well either. From experience, we know that even the negative influence of the environment in which a child grows up and lives can be considered child maltreatment. A bad environment has an incredible impact not only on the child but also on all family members. I also grew up in such a family and in a pathological setting. Every person has the right to a dignified and peaceful life, from conception in the mother’s womb onward. None of us, not even a child, deserves to be treated badly. I still believe, however, that everything bad can lead to something good.

Testimony

I was born on October 4, 1993, in Trnava, and I am from Veselé pri Piešťanoch. My childhood was not easy at all, because my biological mother did not raise me and abandoned me when I was three months old. My mother had intended to sell me as if I were an object. Both my parents are alcoholics. My mother drank and smoked during pregnancy. Of course, this irresponsible behavior during pregnancy had consequences as well. I have a mild degree of childhood cerebral injury (DMO). This diagnosis limits me in that I cannot carry heavy loads.

My mother had four children. I have a half-brother, about whom I know nothing and have never seen, and both a step-sister and a biological sister. I have seen them only once. My upbringing was taken over by my grandmother, who has been dead for twelve years. My grandmother and I lived with my father, who has been and still is an aggressive alcoholic; he was sentenced several times and jailed for repeatedly getting drunk and beating us. He almost daily took out this aggressive behavior on my grandmother and me. He hit us and tormented us. He treated us badly, drove us out of the house, threatened to kill us, and called us vulgar names. For that reason, I became more used to being insulted than to someone addressing me kindly or saying something kind. More than once he tried to “scam” us. He also bullied grandmother, an older woman. He chased me with a knife, pushed me down the stairs... But God’s will was that I should live. With a bit of humor, I can say: “In heaven they still do not want me, and in hell they are afraid of me.” From my grandmother’s upbringing, I received strict discipline. She kept me tightly. I did not know what nightclubs were, what nightlife was, or going somewhere with friends, whom I did not even have, because I had to think about whether we would have something to eat or where we would sleep (we were afraid for our lives). In winter, it often happened that we had to sleep with grandmother in a cold room while father had the heating. Grandmother later developed rheumatism.

I can honestly say that in hindsight, I am grateful for that. I received the responsibility I needed, and I hold to the principle: “Every word a person speaks should have weight.” This is how we lived into my teenage years.

On October 22, 2008, a very difficult day came for me. It was time for grandmother to leave this world. A week before her death, I came to grandmother, who was already bedridden, and told her that the parish priest was asking whether he could come to visit. At first she did not want to, but in the end I managed to convince her. After Holy Mass, I asked the priest to care for her and reconcile her with Christ. The priest gladly agreed, and when he came, grandmother started crying, received him in tears, confessed, received the remaining sacraments, and died about a week later. At the end of her life she recognized no one, only me. Father was fully immersed in alcohol. After grandmother died, I still lived with him for about three months. No glory. Even the little money I had saved as an altar server to buy food, he demanded from me. When I refused to give it to him, he cursed me vulgarly and said, as a spiteful curse, “that I should suffocate and end up buried in manure...” Even though it hurt, I do not carry hatred against him; with the gift of forgiveness, I wished him all good. I told him I might die before him. I must say that one cannot trust even close family. I mean my godparents, who took me in and still treat me as inferior because I am a believer, physically disabled, and, in addition, the son of an alcoholic. A relative called me the black sheep of the family. A good friend of mine once said that no matter what I did or accomplished, I would still have no value to them. I remember some incidents with my godparents and I will share them with you.

  1. When I was younger, they always called me to help clean the house. I did not get food before finishing the work—first, I had to work for the meal.
  2. For a time, my godmother prepared breakfast for school for me, but grandmother had to pay for it, and then they said I always ate too much. Two rolls became four.
  3. There was a time when I used to have lunch at the local canteen. One day it was a holiday and nothing was being cooked, so my godmother called me for lunch. My godfather asked what I was doing there, whether they were cooking at the canteen, and I answered, “No...” His answer was: “I’ll feed you lunch, but give me your lunch ticket that you had for lunch.”
  4. Father got scabies because he ignored hygiene; then my godmother offered that I could spend the night with them because my godfather was going on night duty. He heard this and, in front of me, slapped my godmother, saying what right did she have to offer me a place to sleep and that I should go home.

About three months later, father in drunkenness drove me out of the house; I was still fifteen. I pleaded to the Blessed Mother and the Lord God: what now, stay in the street? Yet some people were found who did not leave me like that. Thank God for that.

After father drove me out, Father Jaroslav Hanzlík, who now serves in the parish of Vrbové, took care of me. The priest cared for me as for his own son. When father expelled me, Father Hanzlík decided that I should secretly pack my things and bring them to the rectory. I did so. He took me to a family children’s home, and I stayed there on visitation for about three weeks. After two weeks, the family discovered I was not at home... Father Hanzlík arranged for me a secondary technical school in Bratislava, gave me money, attended parent associations, and kept track of my grades. He was satisfied with my results. I graduated in technical, administrative, and economic studies. He helped me like a real father helps his own son. He took care of everything, and funded everything for me. After finishing secondary school with the leaving exam, he was assigned by the archbishop to Brussels. I was very sad, because I was alone again. It did not break me. I reflected: “Since I have been alone since age 15, I have had to care for myself and grow up earlier than others. I am grateful for that. Everything I have experienced is a gift from God and good for life. Perhaps, if I had not ended up this way, I would not be who I am now.” This meant that I had to realize that I had to take responsibility for myself and provide for myself. No one accepted me as their own, but strangers did. In that sense, they became even more truly my own. “Also under the protection of the Mother of God and Jesus Christ I realize that even if no one in my family loved me and humiliated me, the Lord Jesus is here and loves me. I have a reason to live!” Jesus Himself says in the Gospel of Matthew: “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” And that is truly so!

Since September 2014, I began studying at Vysokej školy zdravotníctva a sociálnej práce sv. Alžbety, specialty social work. Although I first considered theology, I ended up in this related field. I argue that social work is also about this: In every person, even a homeless person, Christ is present. Because He is in each one of us. This is our spiritual growth—learning to accept and love such people as they are.

During university, I decided that through the segment Nečakané stretnutia I would try to find my biological sister Eva. When I found her, I thanked her adoptive parents for raising her, although I regret that I did not see her grow up. She was happy to have had a childhood with joy, something I did not have. I wanted to be her friend, brother, and support. I am grateful she did not experience what I experienced. My joy with my sister did not last long, because she did not accept me as a brother. She expected I would be different: irresponsible, fond of alcohol, nightclubs, pubs, but I could not, of course, allow this. I had to be responsible.

I am a believer. Since childhood, my grandmother sent me to church even when I sometimes did not want to go. In 2002 I became an altar server, and I still am. I am proud of that. To stand by the priest who changes wafers and wine into the living body and blood of Jesus Christ is a great mystery to me, and I feel like a messenger of God. For me this means a touch of God, echoing the words of Christ that He spoke to St. Francis at the apparition: “Here I want you; repair My house.” I am learning to “touch” my personal cross, because without God’s love I would never carry the cross and it would be a heavy burden: “We should understand the cross as a gift of love.” When I meet a person who cannot accept the cross or the hardship that is given to them, I humorously reply: “If you have chocolate, you want to share it. And that is because that person is precious to you. Jesus does the same thing. He has only the cross and wants to share what He has. Through that cross, He wants to share love. If people wanted to accept this, if it fit in their mind and they understood the vocation they have, they would be able to bear their problems better with God’s presence and help.”

I would not fear accepting my personal cross again. “A person who has everything does not (often) understand those who suffer. He cannot truly be happy. He cannot accept Christ in the same way as someone who can truly suffer with Christ. It was God’s will, and I accepted it. I accepted it with love.” Even with me, Jesus shares His cross, not so that He punishes me, but because I am precious to Him. With Christ, I want to carry it on.

The cruel fate of life did not discourage me from living on. I advise people with a similar life or those who are also having a difficult time not to give up and to accept this fate with love. “It seems that the Lord God is not listening to us. As if He were deaf... But even a teacher during an exam is always silent while we are answering. Jesus is also silent. A response from the teacher, and from God as well, always comes.”

I often think that the Lord God addresses us through these crosses. When people are doing well, how many minutes a day do they devote to God? But when life is hard for them, they pray and often mention God. What does not occur to them is thanking God even for the little things. I am not flawless in this either. In 2019, I successfully completed my master’s studies. It was foreign people who paid for my studies. After finishing successfully, I applied to doctoral studies in social work. In November 2020 I should have state exams, and I trust they will be successful; please keep me in your prayers. Since September 2020 I have been admitted to continuing education in the field of Teológia manželstva a rodiny at Teologickej fakulte v Košiciach, which I am very happy about. I chose this field so I could understand real family and its meaning and purpose. If God grants me a family, I want this family, through this field and the knowledge I gain here, to be complete, fully alive, and an example even for other families.

I am on disability pension. I try to survive. Although it is little, I am grateful for that as well. I am learning to manage finances, but unfortunately I do not have suitable work or wage, and therefore I must stretch every crown. I have to think how to manage money. Although I am 27, I must behave like someone in their thirties or older who already has a family. I would like to work, but I cannot manage to get suitable employment. After school I worked at Slovenská pošte, a. s., in Bratislava, from where I had to leave unwillingly because I was discriminated against. My supervisor told me, “With such education you have no place in the post office and I do not consider you a full person nor an employee because you are disabled.” So I had to leave. My current work is suffering for me; I work without a contract, and they refuse to give it to me, but without income I cannot stay because I could not pay the rent. I receive only 250 €. I long for a normal job.

More than once, it seemed I might end up on the street like my father, who deprived me of his inheritance because of alcohol. But God’s hand holds protection over me; even when I cannot stand, I can still lean on Christ’s cross, because it stands even when the world shakes.

I thank everyone who helped and continue to help me on my life journey. I thank Father Hanzlík, who took care of me and allowed me to make progress. I thank teacher Spálová, the Marienčíkovci, Kukučovci, and Mária Čajanová for that I can live my modest, yet God-blessed, life thanks to them and many others.

Life with God did not deter me even through peer ridicule. Many young people laughed at my faith before me and shamed me. They tried to use God’s name carelessly and deny His existence. To this I always calmly reply: “If you curse, you mention God’s name carelessly; why do you use it if you do not believe in Him? If you claim that Jesus—God—does not exist, why do you keep Him in your vocabulary? This should not be in your mind.” Despite the cruelties of life, I try to remain peaceful and stay humble. I feel God’s love, which fills me daily. Fruit comes from the cross I carry. I want to do good, even though it is sometimes very hard. Each of us deserves a second chance. In the future, I want to be to my children, whom the Lord gives me, whether biological or spiritual, as a paternal and spiritual support as much as I did not have from birth. From parents and family, which I missed so much from birth and still miss today.

In conclusion, I can state that alcoholism is a disease that decays and destroys families, and this socio-pathological phenomenon, as well as domestic violence in the family, is undeniable. I believe only few people in humanity have not encountered alcohol in near or distant surroundings. Although our society accepts alcohol, let us be careful not to become enslaved by this pathological phenomenon. Protect your families. Pope Francis once pointed out in his homily that a parent can strike at defenseless human life in the form of abuse or by any other form of harming. All parents, and also society, should see the child as a huge gift from God and offer the best upbringing that a human being can give, but, unfortunately, this is often not so; rather, it is usually the opposite. When a much-desired child is born, we feel immense joy and try to give it a great amount of love. Yet few people remember the children toward whom the nearest person can reach, whether psychologically or physically. Too often this is because the child is unwanted, disabled, or from an incomplete or pathological family. Let us not forget and do not close our eyes and hearts to children whom no one wants, because every child has immense worth, whether white, black, or disabled. All children in the whole world deserve our love, attention, understanding, safety, and trust.

Children and families are our future, and this future will one day thank us for preventing child abuse and for saving, perhaps, a human life by our intervention. Mother Teresa said: “Be the image of God’s goodness with your face, tenderness in your eyes, love in your smile, kindness in your greeting, and people and children around you will be happy!”

Mgr. Martin Lukáč