Domestic violence can take hundreds of forms and manifestations. It is important to know, however, that this behavior happens behind closed doors in the privacy of homes or apartments, escalates as the relationship progresses, and never ends on its own. In addition, there are psychological wounds that remain with victims even after leaving the cycle of domestic violence.

For many people, there are only a few things that evoke a calming sense of warmth, comfort, stability, and safety more than home. Many people perceive their home as a personal stronghold—a kind of fortress full of unconditional love and support. At home, we usually have more freedom, more time for family, and it is where we can, for at least a few hours, escape everyday worries from work and so on. But for people experiencing domestic violence, home is anything but a safe haven.

Domestic violence refers to behavior between close people (husbands, partners, parents vs. children, caregiver vs. relative with a mental or physical disability, etc.) that is characterized by intentional power-based and controlling behavior of one person toward another. This can manifest not only as physical aggression, but also as sexual violence (rape, coercing sexual practices, etc.), psychological violence (humiliation, threats, and the like), economic violence (e.g., withholding money, manipulation of shared property), and social violence (isolation from family and acquaintances, control of mobile communication, emails, and the like).

From a study by the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights (FRA), headquartered in Vienna, presented in 2014, it follows that up to one-third of women in the EU have become victims of sexual or physical violence at least once in their lives. In these cases, the overwhelming majority of violent acts come from a close person, specifically directly from the partner. Most of these women, however, did not report this attack.

Women fear reporting violence against themselves for many reasons—for example, fearing that nobody will believe them; fearing retaliation from the partner; fearing the breakdown of marriage and subsequent loss of home or children, and so on. But let us not forget that men become victims of domestic violence almost as often as women do.

Male victims, however, talk about violence inflicted on them even less. Alongside the same fears women have, what also limits them is a feeling that they failed in their “manly role,” which according to commonly shared stereotypes should be strong and dominant. We must realize that women can also be violent, aggressive, and men can become victims of women.

The Victim’s Response to a Traumatic Event

Fractures, bruises, and abrasions are easily visible signs of domestic violence. But, just as physical injuries do, the emotional wounds resulting from these traumatic events also deserve our attention and care.

As the American Psychological Association (APA) explains, psychological trauma is an “emotional response to a traumatic event” that limits a person’s ability to function normally. The extent of psychological impact will vary among people, but most experience heightened emotional stress after traumatic events. Fortunately, this stress often subsides when a person is given appropriate support from family members, friends, psychologists, or other social ties.

Wounds That Are Not Visible at First Glance

Yet in the case of victims whose violence is perpetrated by a partner or another close person, this situation is not so clear-cut. Fear of revenge from the violent partner may prevent victims from seeking help. Since there is then a lack of the (mentioned above) needed psychological support from the closest people, this can lead to increased fear, anxiety, depression, anger, post-traumatic stress, avoiding social contact, use of drugs or alcohol, or even suicide attempts.

These psychological and emotional wounds, remaining and persistent in victims after domestic violence, are devastating. They can haunt someone for years and rob them of the possibility to live a content, dignified, full life. And since they are not visible to the ordinary eye, they often remain unaddressed and untreated.

Social Reach and Effects of Domestic Violence

The problem with such deep wounds is that they have far-reaching consequences. They often affect a person long after violence has stopped, or after the victim has left their violent partner. A domestic violence victim is often exposed to all kinds of power-based practices. Their social life is very restricted. Every day they hear that they are incapable, they are intimidated by objects being broken, physical harming, threats being made, guilt or shame are induced in them, and so on.

These violent and controlling behavior patterns can seriously affect how a victim functions in society, even long after leaving the relationship. It often happens that the abuser seeks to limit the victim’s social contacts as much as possible so no one may stand up for them—the abuser eventually forces the victim to leave their job, thereby depriving them of financial resources. If the victim is financially dependent on the abusive partner, then any decision to leave the partner includes a real risk of losing housing and subsequently care for their children.

Impact on Future Intimate Relationships

In a “normal” case, a person with their problem would seek support among relatives or friends. In domestic violence cases, however, it often happens that victims remain alone in their distress and previous sources are no longer available.

Even if someone manages to extricate themselves from a violent relationship, the scars they carry from the past can affect subsequent intimate relationships as well. Either the will to enter relationships completely subsides, or such a person no longer believes that healthy relationships exist at all. Therefore, even when they enter new relationships, their expectations can be distorted and unhealthy—based on previous negative experiences.

In building new partnerships, intrusive memories from the previous relationship may also emerge (for example during intimate moments with a new partner), nightmares, communication problems, or feelings of worthlessness.

Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

According to sociological research carried out between 2001 and 2006 by STEM, in 80% of families in which domestic violence occurs, children are present. These children may be direct or indirect victims of domestic violence.

The negative impacts on both the physical and psychological side of children who are directly abused or neglected by parents or other close people are undeniable. And although uninvolved observers often think that if a child is not the direct target of the attack, it has no effect on them, that is not true. Children always perceive that something is happening at home. They are defenseless against parental violence, but feel themselves co-responsible for the violence taking place at home. They may try to protect parents in the position of the endangered person and thus expose themselves to the danger of attack. They live in permanent stress, in an atmosphere of threat, unpredictability of how the situation will unfold, experiencing helplessness, fear, etc.

Transmission of Learned Behavior from Home

Children often have as consequences of experiencing domestic violence behavior disorders, school problems, and psychosomatic symptoms. Psychotic disorders, sleep disorders, and lowered self-esteem are added to these. They suffer from feelings of guilt, behave aggressively, and often have suicidal tendencies. Of course, children often carry violent behavior learned at home into their own relationships in adulthood. Parents who are victims of violence from their partner often argue that they do not want to leave the partner because of the children—they want to keep the family together. However, it is important to say that this in fact creates the exact opposite. The mentioned negative consequences of a violent relationship in most cases have much more serious and far-reaching impacts and effects on children than they would have during life in a stable, non-violent environment (even with one parent missing).

Do Not Close Your Eyes to Domestic Violence

You have certainly definitely heard the expression that “domestic violence is a private matter between two partners and nobody else should stick their nose into it.” The fact remains, however, that a domestic violence victim is usually unable to defend themselves alone against manipulation in the relationship and for many reasons simply fears leaving the relationship or seeking help.

If in your surroundings you know someone experiencing similar situations, reminding of violence in a relationship or the whole family, do not remain indifferent to them. Listen to a potential victim, trust them, do not minimize their situation, even if described stories of abuse may sound unbelievable. The manipulator can affect the victim’s circle and extended family charismatically and charmingly, so sometimes it is hard to believe that they are capable of such aggression and are truly putting someone in a relationship through violence.

Seek Help Instead of Pseudo-Therapy

Where possible and safe, you can provide a person experiencing violence with temporary shelter, or help them seek help from experts. But do not try to make a potential violence victim a self-appointed “therapist” if you are not knowledgeable about this issue. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can hurt that person more than help (especially with those often invisible psychological wounds and traumas).

If you yourself are a person exposed to violence, know that you are not alone. There are many organizations that can help you with your problem. You can, for example, call the National Hotline for Women experiencing violence at the free number: 0800 212 212. In addition, there are civil associations and non-profit organizations that provide free legal advice, psychosocial support, or both forms of help and support at once. You can contact our Crisis Intervention Team (KIT) of ADRA Slovensko by email: kit@adra.sk.

Text: Veronika Morháčová, social worker KIT, ADRA Slovensko, https://www.adra.sk/pomoc-obetiam-nasilia-kit/