Like everything else, motherhood has undergone a certain development. Each new era or century shaped and developed not only people themselves but also their roles in their lives. Motherhood has accompanied people since their very beginning, when the first relationship between a mother and her child began to form. This relationship was shaped over centuries until it reached the form we know today. Today's relationship of mothers is at a fairly excellent level – mothers raise their children on their own, mostly without the help of nannies, they take care of their health, upbringing, education, they devote their free time or even all their time to them so that the children can develop properly, etc. As we will be able to follow further, author Elisabeth Batinder observed the changes that motherhood – and thus mothers – underwent in different periods. And it is precisely in her findings that we might find answers to the questions of why the so-called concept of the good-enough mother arose and why it is widespread among mothers in today's society.
Elisabeth Badinter in her book Motherly Love, using historical and philosophical materials and documents from the territory of France since the 18th century, observed the changes that French society's idea of motherhood underwent over more than two centuries. "She concluded that the behavior of mothers is significantly influenced by the opinions and demands of society. While in the 18th century Parisian children were commonly placed in the care of wet nurses in the countryside (which in most cases meant certain death for the infant), in the 19th century the picture changes: philosophers, statesmen, and influential representatives of society propagated the ideal of a caring mother. As a result of the gender division of labor – which also deepened in this period – it was women who were now to take care of children 'full-time'. Gradually, especially in upper-middle-class families where wives did not perform any paid work, the ideal of a mother who sacrifices all her time and energy for the sake of her child spread and strengthened. Gradually, the ideal of the 'perfect mother' became a binding norm for all women" (Bednaříková, 2020).
As Bednaříková (2020) states, many women react to prevailing ideas and ideal images of culture and internalize them. It is impossible to meet society's expectations already because social norms and opinions are often contradictory – for example, on the one hand it is said that mothers "know" best how to raise children, on the other hand everyone advises mothers on how to raise children. From the fact that a woman does not meet society's expectations (and cannot meet them), unpleasant feelings arise.
On the one hand, it is true that no woman who has given birth for the first time immediately knows how to take care of her child 100 percent and will need some advice, tips, and help to learn everything over time. This is completely normal and natural for every woman who suddenly becomes a mother. On the other hand, a mother should know what her child needs, what habits it has, what each of the child's words, gestures, etc. mean. But all of this must be taken into account and considered. These two contradictory conditions must be reconciled in a certain way, and only then will they make sense, only then will they be in harmony. So a mother should know what is best for her child but she also needs help and advice from experienced people so that she can learn all this over time and thus be the best mother she can be for her child. If it happens that a woman does not want to follow the tips or advice of other people or experts, she will begin to stand out from the average, and that is bad in the eyes of society, and therefore society will begin to condemn such a mother.
It is very important both for the mother and for the child itself that its mother is a good mother. Society spreads not only myths about motherhood but also certain advice or prerequisites that mothers should fulfill if they want to be good mothers. As Nina Garcia (2019) states, moms are expected to do all the things in childcare and do them right away. However, many people do not realize that every mother is only learning to be a mother after she brings her child into the world. Therefore, the author outlined several points that, if mothers fulfill them, they will be good mothers.
Characteristics of a good mother should include these qualities:
- patience,
- humility,
- empathy,
- authoritativeness,
- support for the child,
- love for the child,
- respect.
Fulfilling all these characteristics of the so-called good mother is a kind of self-evident requirement that society in which we live demands from women – mothers. But it is not always possible to fulfill it 100%. It is as if it is a naturalness, and when a woman-mother begins to deviate from it in some way, she begins to be seen by society as a different, bad mother who does not meet some set stereotypes of a good and proper mother for her child. It is enough that she does something differently, or has different opinions or habits than other mothers in her surroundings, and she immediately begins to be condemned or questioned by society. For today's mothers, it is therefore very difficult to be a mother in contemporary society, but as history tells us, it was never easy for women either.
"The behavior of the mother was once again dictated by the woman's interest. Even though the celebration of the 'good mother' truly influenced this behavior, women's choices were equally influenced by two factors. They were primarily their economic possibilities and further the hope – different for each woman's social status – of whether they would or would not play a role in the family world or in society that would bring them satisfaction. How quickly and willingly a woman of the late 18th century, and especially a woman of the 19th century, accepted the role of the good mother was related to whether she was rich, wealthy, or poor" (Badinter, 1998). For almost all women, the economic question is very important even before bringing a child into this world, but besides this question, as can be seen, mothers/women also began to be troubled by the question of their personal satisfaction within their social status – and whether they can or cannot maintain this status even after the arrival of a child in their lives.
Mothers in the 20th and 21st Centuries
Motherhood in the 20th century (Badinter, 1998) began to take on a different meaning – the mother not only had to bring the child into the world but soon it was also discovered that the mother must also ensure the upbringing of her children and shape them intellectually. Consciousness began to form in society that a woman – mother does not have only an animal function but must also raise a good citizen, a Christian, and above all a person who will be able to find the best possible place for themselves in the future. The completely newest idea in the 20th century was that a woman was considered in society to be the most qualified person who was predestined to fulfill this task. Over time, mothers' duties in the role of mother increased, and proportionally, naturally, their image in society also improved. As already mentioned, the author Elisabeth Badinter in her book dealt with how motherhood developed in French society and how the mother's relationship with her child also changed. It is truly admirable that from abandoning children to wet nurses, or preferring the eldest son among all children, motherhood and a mother's love for her child managed to form to the point where mothers became so-called new mothers, and besides just bringing a child into the world, women began to concern themselves with its survival, they began to care about its healthy development, its upbringing, behavior, its intellect, and mothers' desire for their child to find its rightful place in life and be beneficial to society. It is thus visible at first glance that mothers in the 20th century began to change, and in a significant way.
Unfortunately, this change is also related to the already mentioned concept of the "good-enough mother" or "perfect mother". On the one hand, it is great that mothers began to focus much more on their children, they began to care about them much more than before, but unfortunately in society they entered into a kind of strange awareness that they must be amazing, perfect, and must do everything perfectly. Besides having to take care of their children, they must be perfect mothers, society also places on their "shoulders" additional responsibilities that they could, but for society should, manage on top of that. And so it happens that we have mothers in the world who are overloaded but in a certain sense also underloaded. And that is why motherhood is "characterized by overload and also underload. Overloaded are those mothers who are alone with the child, also those who try to combine work with childcare, and also mothers who have decided to devote themselves exclusively to children and the household. On the other hand, however, continuous cohabitation with children is also a constant underuse. Only one-sided abilities are needed for childcare, so many other abilities and skills, for example those needed for performing a profession, remain unused" (Richová, 1994, in: Bednaříková, 2009).
The Concept of the Good-Enough Mother
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott was one of the first to address and introduce the term "good-enough mother". This concept can be observed in society mainly in the last two decades. This issue concerns not only Slovakia but all developed countries in the world. "According to Winnicott, the good-enough mother is able to fully adapt to the needs of her child. The concept of the good-enough mother is thus to be understood literally: precisely such a mother is ideal; the perfect one is too perfect, and non-ideal. Winnicott argues that in principle it does not have to be the child's own mother, because success in infant care depends on the devotion of the caring person" (Búšová – Kučera, 2015).
"Winnicott held the view that every child has an innate potential to blossom without complications into a creative human subject, provided they have the right kind of emotional environment. However, his critics argue that he places enormous responsibility on the instinctive sensitivity and imagination of the mother. Currently, many men are becoming involved in early childcare, and more and more therapists are beginning to hold the view that we can observe Winnicott's idea of the 'good-enough mother' in fathers as well. Some feminists perceived Winnicott's ideas about the importance of the sufficiently good mother as blaming the mother. However, Winnicott thought that the mother's responsibility arose specifically from her physical ability to have children, should she decide to, and from the early physical and emotional bond between mother and child" (Minsky, 1996).
There is no such thing as a perfect parent; a good-enough parent suffices. The psychoanalyst emphasizes the vulnerability of the child, its "lostness" in the world, and the role of the mother. The child is born with the potential for creative development of life, but this is conditioned by the mother's ability to actively perceive the child's inner states and respond to them appropriately. The child believes that it creates, uses, and destroys all experiences and objects. It lives in the illusion of its own omnipotence, and the mother mirrors it (through her the child sees itself, according to how the mother looks at it) and thus helps it in its further development. The mother should provide a basic safe space through stability, regularity, firmness, reliability – the mother's firm embrace. Winnicott calls this space holding (an important building element of any psychotherapy, where the therapist, through their emotional attunement and stability, conveys the mother's firm embrace). A good-enough mother suppresses her subjectivity and is fully absorbed by the child's needs (this is primary maternal preoccupation). She provides the child with the illusion that there is an external reality that the child creates through its creative ability. If the child is surrounded by a supportive environment where it can continuously experience its feelings and impressions, if it is allowed to experience the illusion that it is the creator of reality, a true self can develop (Březnová, 2022).
We think we know best what is good for the child. When we do not know, we study it. But it is actually the opposite – the child knows what is best for itself. It primarily needs understanding of its needs and its inner world (Březnová, 2022). Many parents feel that they know everything best, including everything concerning childcare. Of course, there is no manual on how to best raise a child, how to care for it, but there are various books, articles, and experts who are willing to advise parents in childcare. But who else should know better what children need than the children themselves? A parent can study a lot of literature, consult with various advisors, but only the child knows what it needs at any given moment. If it is hungry, it lets it be known; if it is cold, it informs the parent. If it wants to play, it also lets it be known. Therefore, if the child is the only one who knows what it needs, the parent should learn to perceive, listen to, and understand it. However, this only concerns basic biological needs. About matters that the child is not competent to decide, the parent must of course decide for it. In order for parents to be able to listen to and understand their child, they need to know it well, and the child needs to be itself and not play at being a "good-enough child". Because the parent is a mirror for the child – and if parents are perfect, the child will begin to be perfect too. "The child senses when our well-being depends on how the concept of the perfect child/perfect parent is being fulfilled. When we do not give it space, it adapts and begins to play the game of perfection with us. It loses the opportunity to be fulfilled, and reinforces its false self so that it fits perfectly into the family and society. And so we have another successful but sad child" (Březnová, 2022). There is nothing worse than when parents pretend in front of their own child. When they consciously or unconsciously do not want to show them who they really are. As mentioned, the child can recognize and sense when the parent is being natural with them and when they are pretending – that is, when the parent is at ease and being themselves, and when this is not the case. The parent is a mirror for the child, meaning how the parent behaves, what they do, what opinions or values they have – the child copies and repeats all of this. It is therefore completely logical that if parents pretend to be perfect, their child will also pick up on this, stop being spontaneous and being themselves, and will also want to be a perfect or good-enough child like its mother or father.
It is important to realize that our children need us to be real people with them. Author Roberta Firestone in her latest book Separation Theory states that parental love involves a willingness to be a real person with the child, as opposed to playing the role of "mother" or "father". Our children need us to step out from behind the role of the perfect parent so that they can see and know us as an authentic person. And they must be connected to a real person in order to feel seen and real (Firestone, 2019).
T. Firstone (2019) addresses all moms: "Our children need to see how we deal with our mistakes, because children model their parents' behavior. Through our example, they can learn about responsibility and accepting responsibility. They can understand self-compassion and see that it is okay to make mistakes." "So step away from the perfect pictures of family life on social media and stop striving for images and ideals that are made up. Return to the real world with other human beings who, with all their flaws, are good enough. Pursuing the impossible goal of being perfect parents also burdens our children. They must be perfect children as proof that we are perfect parents. But if we accept our humanity, the pressure on us and our children, and realize that not only are we good-enough parents, but our children are also good-enough children" (Firestone, 2019), then only then have we truly succeeded. When we realize that we are people with flaws and not perfect human beings.
Winnicott attempts to point out that people should not try, completely unnecessarily and meaninglessly, to look perfect, artificial, or happy if that is not the case. Pretending is not good either for people themselves, that is parents, nor for the children themselves. It is, after all, an old known truth that we are a mirror for our children, meaning that what they see in us adults (parents) they adopt as their own and behave accordingly and imitate us – they even try to be exactly like us. Nothing in life is perfect, and neither are we humans. Therefore, the pediatrician and psychoanalyst Winnicott recommends that parents not even try to create ideal and perfect family images of family life, but instead let life flow and at the same time try to be great, good parents, but within a reasonable norm, and above all, not let themselves be influenced by others or strangers with various opinions and teachings about what they should be like, how they should raise their children, and what is best for them or their children.
Conclusion
In conclusion, we could assess that the question we asked at the very beginning – where the concept of the good-enough mother came from among us and why it is so widespread among modern mothers – was answered by author Elisabeth Batinder already at the very beginning, when through her research she discovered that the behavior of mothers is significantly influenced and conditioned by the demands and also opinions of society. It is therefore quite likely that the concept of the good-enough mother was not somehow devised by mothers themselves, but the society in which we live became so idealized that not only did people themselves begin to adapt to it, but under their pressure and pressure from society, mothers themselves also inclined toward the ideal of perfection. And so, under this pressure of the ideal, they must have everything ideal – appearance, home, partner, their child, work, and everything else. Unfortunately, some mothers have literally turned idealism into a race and thus compete among themselves as to who will have a more perfect life. However, in this racing, they forget one most essential thing – that they are a mirror for their children, who repeat everything they see from them, because they are their ROLE MODEL. And so it then happens that in society we have not only ideal mothers or fathers but also ideal children, who unconsciously adopt this phenomenon from their parents. Therefore, mothers of today's postmodern society have a choice – either succumb to the pressure and expectations of society and strive for an ideal motherhood and also life (which is often impossible), or choose a classic "non-ideal" life where they allow themselves to be human beings and make mistakes. The decision is individual for each person.
Author: Mgr. Zuzana Uličná The contribution was created thanks to the support of grant UGA 5/11/2022 - Attitudes towards motherhood and their ethical contexts.
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