Let me fix one detail — I should keep the personal name "Lao-c" unchanged per the rules. I need to fix "Lao Tzu" → "Lao-c" to keep the personal name unchanged per the rules.

title: Love and Communication in the Family type: Practice Contributions language: English published: 07 Dec 2016 updated: 05 Apr 2018 category: Psychológia author: Prof. PhDr. Mária Machalová, CSc source: https://www.prohuman.sk/psychologia/laska-a-komunikacia-v-rodine

Love and Communication in the Family Motto: "Love is life; protect it with every last breath."

Communication in the Family

Mastery of interpersonal communication within the family is necessary for a person because the ability to communicate optimally is an integral part of life competence for family life. The ability to communicate optimally is an important personal prerequisite and a significant contribution to the form, outcome, and impact that interpersonal communication has on family life in individual families.

The family is the place of a person's first and lifelong anchoring in the social, psychological, and spiritual reality of life. As an intimate social group, it stands or falls on the ability, readiness, and willingness of each family member to adopt and fulfil their roles within the competence hierarchy of the family.

The family should be the true place for each person's life, a place of selfless and loving sharing of spiritual, mental, and physical energy among its members within the closest psychological environment of the family. The family is a unique and irreplaceable social being in which unique and irreplaceable family members are gathered. The family is a more or less compact and cohesive whole and a more or less functioning system of family constellation, which is the result of interpersonal relationships, communication within the family, and the activities and conduct of family members (father and mother, children, grandparents, extended relatives).

As a unique group being, the family gives testimony of itself through the behaviour and conduct of its individual members, both within the family itself and externally, outside the family environment. This is the visible testimony of the family life of each individual family. However, the testimony of families and their uniqueness does not always manifest itself positively. In today's social, cultural, psychological, health, and other living conditions of families, the expressions of the uniqueness of family life are increasingly often negative. Families are ceasing to be the best place for the development of individual family members. And this is a serious problem for the persistence and survival of families as a safe "nest" for human beings in this world.

The Ability to Communicate as a Competence for Family Life1

Family development depends on the development of family members. A person's communicative development is understood as a process that runs from early age throughout a person's entire life. Interpersonal communication is a process of social learning that encompasses all stages of the development of a person's thinking, experience, and behaviour in relation to family life and to life in other socially significant groups.

The level of communicative maturity of people for family life depends on the psychological, social, and spiritual level of family members. Interpersonal communication within the family is the mutual sharing of: Energy – Feelings – Thoughts – Emotions – Values – Attitudes – Interests – Moods of all members of the primary (immediate) family.2

An important competence for family life is, in our view, psychological competence, which consists in the personal capability, above all, of parents — that is, the father and mother in the family. To be a personally competent person in the family means to achieve psychological maturity or personal maturity in the role of husband-wife, partner-partner, mother-father. Equally important as a competence for family life is social competence, that is, the capability for social communication, for interpersonal communication, for establishing interpersonal relationships within the primary family, and also in the wider circle of relatives and in socially significant groups important to family members.

The Development of Family Members in Communication3

People learn optimal interpersonal communication throughout their lives. Family members, too, need to acquire it purposefully and to cultivate it continuously. The purpose of guiding and preparing parents in the area of interpersonal communication within the family is to lead them to a preferential focus on: family communication in a home atmosphere; on questions about the fundamental values of human and family life; on questions concerning the unique talents of family members; on their mutual love as expressed in their mutual communication within the family, in behaviour, and in the deeds of each family member.

Wisdom – Courage – Moderation – Patience can be understood as expressions of the psychological and social level of experience, behaviour, and conduct of psychologically mature parents who have the opportunity to uplift the entire family through themselves.4 The right to human dignity of the family and its members is linked to questions about the fundamental purpose of family life in the present day, which in a certain sense is unfavourable to the family and, moreover, degrades the family.

Just as with individual persons, so too with families, questions arise about the fundamental purpose of human life. These are questions connected with the search for the true being of a person and the true being of the family. At this point we consider it necessary to present important life questions of the Czech philosopher J. Patočka5, which are also addressed to the contemporary family: - Why is it worth living in a family? Do we have something to live for in the family? - What is the family in the world for? When and why is it truly worth living in the family? - When is a person well off in a family? - When can it be said that the life of a particular family is truly good? - When can it be said that the life of a particular family has succeeded — that it was a successful life?

The idea of a good life, of the quality of life in the family, encompasses psychological, ethical, and social priorities that derive from people's idea of the family as a place for the fulfilment of one's personhood. The family can hardly do without a certain philosophy of family life, which is closely linked to central values and to the experience of family members. When a new family is formed, it is closely linked primarily to the philosophy of life of the couple who are founding the family.

The Way of Communication in the Family That Harms Family Life6

Within the communication of family members, two modes of dissatisfaction with social interaction may arise: communication invasion and communication deprivation.7

  1. In the case of communication invasion, something is imposed on a family member that they do not want or desire. In the end, they react by accepting what is imposed and retreating from their own demands. In professional terms, this is a psychological phenomenon known as introjection. The person as if against their will "swallows" the imposed opinion, attitude, expressions of the other person, and so on. If this concerns the family, such acceptance by the person is justified with the reasoning that one must give in to preserve good coexistence and peace in the family. However, a family member may also react to pressure with an invasion directed at someone or something. In professional terms, this is a psychological phenomenon known as projection. The person responds to their displeasure at the pressure to accept the imposed opinion, attitude, thing, emotions, and so on, by insisting on their own truth, by attacking (verbally and literally). If this concerns the family, the invasion is justified by the person with the reasoning that one can only give in to a certain point, that one can no longer give in further, that one will never give in, regardless of the consequences for coexistence and the disruption of peace in the family.
  2. The state of communication deprivation arises when a person is not met in their fundamental social need to have a loving, functional relationship with family members. The person usually does not understand the communication traps within the family, most often set up with the help of manipulative communication. The person reacts to a situation in which they are frustrated, either by withdrawing or by attacking. If they are passive, they retreat from their needs and demands at their own expense. Conversely, if they are active and assertive to the point of being aggressive, they insist on the fulfilment of their needs and demands even at the expense of others.

The way of healthy communication and interaction is one in which a person moves somewhere between invasion and deprivation in their experience and conduct; such communication is called dialogue — that is, two-way interpersonal communication.8 Communicative Contact Between People in the Family

David Boadella9 considers the following to be the most significant psychological "channels" of contact between people:

  • sight (i.e., the eyes)
  • sound (i.e., the voice)
  • touch (i.e., the feet as contact with the ground, and the hands as contact with other beings and things).

The development of the personalities of family members is supported by those relationships and communication within the family that allow family members to express their personality spontaneously. Optimal freedom and optimal opportunities for self-expression by family members help to increase their self-perception — that is, how they experience themselves. If a person's self-expression is blocked, their overall spontaneity, their expression, their emotions, their physical mobility, and their life energy are also inhibited.

Life in the Family — Change in Life10

The discovery of one's personality within the family takes place within the social and societal situation of family life and also within the personal situation of individual family members.

We can express the societal situation of the family in the words of Carl Gustav Jung11: "Man is convinced that we are at a significant crossroads of the ages, yet he believes that the cause of this crossroads was the splitting and merging of the atom, or cosmic rockets. As usual, what is happening at the same time in the human soul is overlooked." We believe that this way of looking at things quite significantly influences the attitude of today's people toward family life.

Family members do not always realize that the personal situation and its experience by any given family member has a significant impact on the experience and conduct of the family as a whole. Family members may experience, even under conditions of good family life, a sense of loneliness and alienation. And the family does not notice this. The feelings of loneliness of some family member do not appear just like that. They do not arise merely because "a person has no people around them." Rather, they lie in the fact that "they cannot share the matters, thoughts, and feelings that appear important to them."12 Perhaps this statement by the thinker Lao-c13 captures the feeling of loneliness of a family member, even in a well-functioning family: "Everything is clear, only I am unclear."

So what is family life? How are people prepared for the journey into the intimacy of family experience? And are they prepared for the journey into the life of a family constellation of relationships and communication? Many people enter married and family life completely unprepared. Yet they cannot live family life according to the same programme by which they conducted themselves as people without marital and family commitments.

Individual family members should know that their lifestyle will change within the family more or less significantly. The family becomes an important life space, for which a certain price must be paid in that their relationships and communication with the outside world are occasionally and to some extent narrowed. The family is a blessing above all for those whose family life supports the development of their personality. However, it may seem a punishment for, for example, those persons who blame themselves and others and project their unresolved suffering onto the family. And this has an adverse impact on the coexistence of all family members.

The family is a unique social group that creates a unique family environment. Communication and family relationships should enable a family member to be an authentic and integrated person — that is, to be themselves and to be a mentally and physically healthy person. For the family as a group being, the principle of family self-organization applies, which means the family's movement from less developed communication and relationships toward more developed communication and relationships. Family life is a process that inevitably moves from the past into the future of the family.

In the family, loving family communication and loving family relationships should prevail if the family is to stay together. The family should be an inspiring spiritual, psychological, and social environment that supports development, motivates life fulfilment, and emotionally enriches family members. The family should be a loving place for the lives of children and adults alike.

What Is Love? Authentic Expressions of Female Students14

During a lecture in the course Educational Social Counselling (in April 2016), we unexpectedly invited 12 female students from the Faculty of Orthodox Theology at Prešov University to write down, at that moment, their spontaneous answers to 7 previously prepared questions we had formulated on the topic of Love. For each orally posed question, they were to answer in writing immediately, without lengthy deliberation. We present their answers in their original wording, without commentary, with the oral permission of the students. In this paper we select the answers to only one of the questions. We owe a great debt of gratitude to our students for their rare sincerity and the wisdom they displayed in their answers.

What is love?

Spontaneous written responses of the students:

  • "Love is kind. In love we try to help people and we care for one another. It is a beautiful feeling when we can embrace a person whom we love and know that we always have their support. In love, a person sacrifices for the sake of the other so that they may be better off than I."
  • "Love is a word of enormous power; love can move the world, it can bring a smile to one's face, love can evoke sorrow in souls and within; love is a beautiful feeling between two people."
  • "Love is a feeling. Love is when two or more people care for one another. Love has many forms; it can be love between children and parents — parental love. Love between partners."
  • "Love is GOD. It is a feeling that makes people happy. There are many kinds of love — romantic, parental. Parental love is the most beautiful and strongest love of all. When people think not only of themselves but also care about others."
  • "Love is caring for someone. Taking care of them, helping them. Love is expressed not only through the words 'I love you' but mainly through actions — how we care for that person, worry about them, and protect them. Love is very important; without it, life is difficult. It need not be only love for a friend, but also for GOD, for loved ones, and so on."
  • "Love is purity, innocence, the delicacy of a little baby. Love is when a baby grips your finger, and though it cannot yet speak, its little eyes radiate love. It is its scent, its smile, kisses, and touches. No other love is purer. Love toward a man is somewhat different, yet it is still love. It is pain when he cries and laughter when he laughs."
  • "Love is a feeling; in every case I perceive it differently. The gentle caress of parental love. Love is all around us; it is sometimes perceived even painfully."
  • "Love is a feeling that arises between people through getting to know one another."
  • "Love is a feeling we experience whether in marriage, in the family, toward friends, or toward our city and country. Love is just, patient, thinks no evil, does not boast, and does not envy."
  • "Love is when you help someone selflessly, not expecting any response in return. It is a very pure and beautiful feeling toward another person. When a person sacrifices for the sake of the other."
  • "Love is a beautiful feeling, an emotional state, a relationship between people, and from my perspective also a relationship with animals — a certain emotional bond, tenderness, embraces, kind words, when we love and care for someone, philanthropy — love for humanity — we respect people, we help."
  • "Love is a strong emotional bond, based on strong physical or spiritual attraction, usually accompanied by the desire to be TOGETHER with that person. A person cannot live without love. A person who does not love slowly dies. Everything that has a soul cannot live without love."

Summary

In this paper we focused on communication competence in the family, which is the foundation for a psychologically and socially healthy family life. The development of family members depends to a large extent on the manner of their mutual communication. We emphasize the need to pay attention to the quality of communication in the family and point to the damaging, hurtful communication — communication invasion and communication deprivation. The way family members communicate face to face determines the nature of coexistence within the family. The significance of love in the family and in life is illustrated through the authentic written responses of female university students to the question: What is love?

Author: Prof. PhDr. Mária Machalová, CSc.

1MACHALOVÁ, Mária. 2011. Komunikácia v sociálnej práci. Prešov Pravoslávna bohoslovecká fakulta Prešovskej univerzity. ISBN 978-80-555-0328-8. 2 Ibid. 3 Ibid. 4 MACHALOVÁ, Mária. 2011. Komunikácia v sociálnej práci. Prešov PBF Prešovskej univerzity. ISBN 978-80-555-0328-8. 5 PATOČKA, Jan.1996. Péče o duši. s.143.Praha Oikoyhmenh. 6 MACHALOVÁ ,Mária. 2011. Komunikácia v sociálnej práci. Prešov PBF Prešovskej univerzity. ISBN 978-80-555-0328-8. 7 BOADELLA, David. 1987. Lifestreams. An Introduction to Biosynthesis. London-New York Routladge – Kegan – Paul. s. 6. ISBN 0-7102 – 1145-7. 8 MACHALOVÁ, Mária. 2011. Komunikácia v sociálnej práci. Prešov PBF Prešovskej univerzity. ISBN 978-80-55-0328-8. 9 BOADELLA, David. 1987. Lifestreams. An introduction to Biosynthesis. London - New York Rouladge – Kegan - Paul. ISBN 0-7102-1145-7. 10 MACHALOVÁ ,Mária. 2010. Biodromálna psychológia pre pomáhajúce profesie. Brno IMS. ISBN 978-80-87182-10-9. 11 JUNG, Carl Gustav.1994. Duše moderního člověka. Brno Atlantis. s. 286. ISBN 80-7108-087-X. 12 Ibid. s. 300. 13 LAO-C.´ 1996. TAO TE ŤING. Bratislava Nestor. ISBN 80-88801-19-2.