Introduction
Love is a timeless and intricate phenomenon that has accompanied us and captivated our understanding since the dawn of human history. For centuries it has been the subject of philosophical reflection, and in recent decades it has also become the focus of psychological and sociological research. Romantic love in particular is among the most complex and multifaceted manifestations, and at times it seems to lack any logical dimension. It combines not only the feelings and emotions arising from human desire and the need for connection, but also the psychological and social aspects that influence it.
The theory of American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg understands romantic love as narratively constructed, proposing that each individual is influenced by their own love story to which they gravitate. Romantic love has inspired artists since time immemorial, becoming a subject of their creative work. The result is a countless number of songs, films, poems, and novels whose central theme is precisely romantic love. Just as love inspires love stories translated into films, songs, or literary works, these love stories in turn inspire us. Consciously, yet more often unconsciously, they shape our experience of love and mould our expectations associated with the functioning of romantic partnerships.
Although Sternberg first presented his theory Love Is a Story in 1995, its contribution to understanding romantic relationships remains relevant today. In the following article we analyse this theory and the selected love stories it offers.
Romantic Love in Socio-Cultural Contexts
Socio-cultural and historical contexts significantly influence the human experience and understanding of love. Although love as an emotional phenomenon has accompanied humanity throughout history, its meaning and specific manifestations have varied depending on the era and cultural context. The Western concept of romantic love, however, can be considered a relatively recent phenomenon. According to Stone (1989, In: Gaylin, Person, 1989, pp. 15–26), Western cultures tend to idealise romantic love and regard it as a universal norm. They frequently overlook the fact that in other, non-Western cultures, love in such a form does not exist.
As Ogolsky (2023, pp. 29–35) notes, a fundamental difference lies in the fact that while Western cultures emphasise individualism and the need for personal fulfilment within romantic relationships, many other cultures – for example, Asian cultures – tend to preserve generally recognised social values as well as the need for family approval of the partnership. Even today, particularly in many parts of India and Nepal, arranged marriages are practised, which can hardly be reconciled with the Western notion of romantic love based on personal choice.
The theory of "sexual scripts" by Gagnon and Simon (1973) likewise highlights cultural conditioning, arguing that romantic experience and sexual behaviour are primarily shaped by cultural representations and social norms. This concept of cultural scripts is closely related to Sternberg's idea of love stories – both theories assume that our romantic experiences are organised through culturally mediated narrative structures.
The societal influence on the formation of ideas about love is also reflected in the work of Michel Foucault (1999), who argues that discourses on sexuality are historically and culturally constructed and closely tied to power relations. Power, according to him, manifests not only through repression and prohibition, but also through the way what is "normal" or "natural" in love and sexuality is defined. From this perspective, the Western concept of romantic love can be understood as a historically specific construct linked to modern ideas about monogamy, marriage, or heteronormativity.
These approaches collectively demonstrate that love is socially constructed – shaped by cultural discourses, historical contexts, and power relations. It is precisely this social-constructionist view of love that is reflected in Sternberg's theory. Sternberg (2008) understands love as a story that partners co-create on the basis of internal narrative structures. These structures, however, are not purely individual; they arise under the influence of cultural patterns, literary and film representations, historical ideas, and social norms. Love is thus not merely a private emotion, but also an experience of pre-internalised cultural scripts. Sternberg's theory thus illustrates how societal ideas about love are projected onto the individual's personal experience.
Interpretive Frameworks of Sternberg's Theory
Sternberg's theory can be interpreted through two key theoretical lenses – narrative psychology and attachment theory. These approaches provide a useful framework for understanding how and why individuals construct their love stories. While narrative psychology illuminates the mechanism of story formation and the role stories play in constructing identity, attachment theory shows how our early experiences in relationships with caregivers shape patterns that are later projected onto the romantic relationships we form in adulthood.
Narrative Psychology and the Construction of Life Stories
The fundamental premise of narrative psychology is that people organise their identity, experiences, and behaviour through stories. American psychologist Dan McAdams (2001), a leading figure in narrative psychology, argues that our identities are essentially the stories we tell ourselves, in which we weave together past, present, and future into a meaningful whole. These stories are not merely a passive record of what happened; they actively shape how we perceive ourselves and how we act.
Narrative structures function as interpretive frameworks that determine which events we consider significant, how we understand them, and what meaning we ascribe to them. As American psychologist Kate McLean demonstrated in her research, people who are able to construct a coherent and logically connected life story with consistent themes exhibit greater internal stability and a clearer understanding of their values, goals, and motivations. This process, however, does not occur in isolation – our stories are shaped through continuous interaction with cultural narratives and the people around us. Feedback, validation, and even confrontation of our interpretations with others help consolidate or correct our understanding of ourselves and the world around us (McLean, 2005).
Sternberg (2008) applies a similar principle to the domain of romantic love. He argues that we create narratives about love – that is, about what love represents, how it should look, and how people should behave in relationships. These stories function as cognitive schemas that actively determine whom we consider a potential partner, how we interpret their behaviour, and what expectations we hold for the relationship.
Attachment Theory and the Formation of Relationship Patterns
While narrative psychology explains how we construct our love stories, attachment theory helps us understand where these stories originate. British psychologist John Bowlby, in the second half of the twentieth century, developed the idea that the quality of the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver fundamentally influences later personality development and interpersonal relationships (Bowlby, 1969).
Building on these ideas, American developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth examined mother–child interactions in her Strange Situation experiment. Based on observations of children's behaviour upon separation from and reunion with their mothers, she identified three main attachment styles: secure, anxious-ambivalent, and avoidant (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
Children whose caregivers respond to their needs sensitively and consistently develop so-called internal working models of relationships – they learn that close people can be trusted, that their needs will be met, and that relational closeness is safe. Conversely, children who experience rejection, neglect, or unpredictable behaviour develop models associated with insecurity, fear of abandonment, or an increased need for reassurance (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth et al., 1978).
Hazan and Shaver (1987) were the first to apply attachment theory to romantic relationships. They found that the patterns of behaviour and emotional responses that a person acquires in childhood are often carried over into romantic relationships in adulthood. People with a secure attachment style, who grew up in a loving and stable environment, tend to form intimate, stable, and more satisfying partnerships. In contrast, anxious-ambivalent individuals, who grew up in an environment of unpredictable or alternating attention, often experience worry about losing their partner and constantly seek reassurance. Avoidantly attached people, who encountered rejection or neglect in childhood, maintain emotional distance and shun closeness (Hazan, Shaver, 1987; Fraley, Shaver, 2000).
In the context of Sternberg's theory, this means that childhood experiences and the relationship with one's parents form the foundation from which we draw when shaping our own "love stories." At the same time, a child learns not only from their own interaction with a parent but also from observing the relationship between the parents. If the child witnesses inequality, rejection, or conflict, they may later develop an image of love as a relationship in which power is unbalanced or conflict is perceived as a normal part of intimacy.
The Construction of Love Stories
As we outlined in the previous section, our love stories are largely shaped through narrative structures and attachment styles rooted in early childhood.
Sternberg (2008) further specifies this process and identifies the sources from which individuals draw when constructing their stories. These include fairy tales heard in childhood, relationship models observed in parents and relatives, television and film, or conversations with other people about their relationships. Consciously or unconsciously, we gradually form our own ideas about what love is and how it should look. The themes of our stories often draw precisely on our childhood and adolescent experiences. For instance, if our parents' relationship was dysfunctional, violent, or marked by some form of addiction, it is very likely that these experiences will form a significant part of the stories we create throughout our lives.
The cultural conditioning of love stories manifests on several levels. As Sternberg (2008, p. 40) emphasises, although we create our own stories, we do so while respecting the context of cultural conventions. We are constantly under certain – often subtle – pressure to create only stories that can be considered culturally acceptable. In a particular historical or social context, a story involving adultery might be unacceptable and severely punished, while in another context it is entirely commonplace. Similarly, while one culture regards love as a necessary prerequisite for marriage, another may not require it at all (Sternberg, 2008, p. 13).
Different people may fit into our stories to a greater or lesser extent. Partners' ideas about how love should look may or may not coincide. However, if the individual stories of the partners differ significantly, there is little chance that the relationship will function long-term (Sternberg, 2008, p. 10). For example, a person who tends to be jealous may find that they cannot be in a relationship with someone who does not like to report where they are and who they are with (Sternberg, 2008, p. 23).
At the same time, individual love stories have complementary roles (Sternberg, 2008, p. 28). For instance, in the police story, one partner plays the role of the "police officer" who needs to monitor every move of the other, keep them under surveillance, and maintain a certain order in the relationship. The other partner plays the role of the "suspect" or "criminal" who is under constant scrutiny – the partner keeps them on a short leash, frequently checks up on them, and questions what they are doing. Both partners thus have police stories, but they fulfil different roles (Sternberg, 2008, pp. 59–61).
As Sternberg (2008) further points out, when creating new stories we often use parts of old ones in order to fit the new relationship. If we have experienced rejection in the past, we may come to interpret our partner's behaviour as rejection, even when no such intention existed. Consciously or unconsciously, rejection thus becomes the central theme of our love stories. Because of past trust issues, we will search for reasons why we should not trust the current partner either. This is why many people repeatedly project the same patterns and fears from the past into their relationships, even though the current partner behaves differently and harbours no ill intentions.
Categorisation of Love Stories
On the basis of empirical research, Sternberg (2008) identified 26 types of love stories, which he grouped into five main categories: 1. Asymmetric stories – founded on a power imbalance between partners (the teacher–student story, the self-sacrifice story, the power story, the police story, the pornography story, the horror story) 2. Object stories – the partner or the relationship is a means to achieve a goal located outside the relationship (the science-fiction story, the collector story, the artistic story, the domestic story, the healing story, the religious story, the gambling story) 3. Collaborative stories – the partners wish to create or preserve something together (the travel story, the tailor story, the garden story, the business story, the addiction story) 4. Narrative stories – drawing on the idea that outside the relationship there exists a certain text that prescribes the direction the relationship should take (the fairy-tale story, the historical story, the scientific story, the cookbook story) 5. Genre stories – emphasising the style or manner of being in the relationship (the war story, the theatrical story, the humorous story, the mystery story)
Analysis of Selected Love Stories
In the following section we examine three selected love stories in greater detail. Each represents a different type of narrative and illustrates how stories can shape the dynamics of romantic relationships.
The Teacher–Student Story
The teacher–student story is grounded in the idea that asymmetry between partners should form the foundation of the relationship. In this story, one partner enjoys the role of the teacher, while the other finds themselves in the position of the learner – a position that nonetheless satisfies them. In most cases, one of the partners is older, professionally more mature, or socially higher in status (Sternberg, 2008, pp. 44–45).
In this relationship the complementary roles are "teacher" and "student." If the partners are able to exchange roles, they can learn a great deal from one another and maintain a certain balance of power in the relationship. However, if only one partner always occupies the role of teacher, a significant power imbalance in their favour is very likely to develop in the relationship. Moreover, this type of relationship is not infrequently realised between actual teachers and students or between supervisors and subordinates, where role exchange is practically impossible and power imbalance virtually inevitable (Sternberg, 2008, pp. 45–49).
A further problem concerns what happens when the "student" grows up. If the relationship is based on one teaching and the other learning from them, what occurs when the "student" no longer needs guidance? The relationship may lose its dynamics, and both partners may feel lost.
In the context of attachment theory, this story can be understood as the result of differing childhood patterns. The partner in the "teacher" role may have grown up in an environment where they had to emotionally adapt to their parents' needs or manage their anxiety – for instance, they may have had immature or dependent parents. In the relationship they therefore naturally assume the position of the one who leads and provides support. This is not necessarily about avoiding closeness, but rather a learned way of maintaining stability and control in emotional bonds. Conversely, the partner in the "student" role may have grown up in an environment where others made decisions for them – for example, with dominant or overprotective parents. In the relationship they therefore gravitate towards the position of the one who seeks guidance and support, which may reflect the need for security and reassurance typical of a more anxious attachment style.
The Healing Story
The healing story belongs to the category of object stories, in which the relationship itself exists as an object. In such a relationship, one partner has undergone a certain traumatic experience – substance addiction, sexual abuse, imprisonment, or war – and seeks healing through the relationship. In reality, however, it is almost impossible for another person to give us what we are unable to find within ourselves. In this story, the person seeking healing and the "codependent" both become dependent on the past within their relationship (Sternberg, 2008, pp. 99–104).
The typical complementary roles in this relationship are the "person who is healing" and the "codependent" who helps the partner recover. Sometimes both partners heal each other, so that each plays both roles simultaneously. Such relationships are all the more challenging because both partners are highly vulnerable (Sternberg, 2008, p. 104).
The most significant problem, however, is that the relationship may cease to function at the very moment of healing – the reason for which the relationship was formed disappears. The healing story is therefore risky for both parties. The codependent may become trapped in an endless cycle of repeated healing that is always only short-lived. If the person truly recovers, however, the role of the codependent – and the relationship itself – loses its purpose (Sternberg, 2008, pp. 103–104).
From the perspective of attachment theory, both roles may be influenced by insecure attachment patterns formed in early childhood, which can then be activated and intensified by traumas in adulthood. The partner seeking healing has typically experienced a trauma that disrupted their ability to trust and to feel safe in relationships. They seek in the relationship something that will give them the sense of security and stability that was lacking. The partner in the rescuer role may have a history of having to care for others – perhaps they had addicted or ill parents – and their identity is built on being needed and on helping. This combination of predispositions and life experiences may explain why both partners in the relationship unconsciously repeat patterns arising from their own needs and lived experiences, thereby creating a dynamic in which both are emotionally vulnerable.
The War Story
In the war story, partners regard their love and their relationship as a war. As Sternberg (2008, p. 160) notes, as long as both perceive it this way, they can be quite happy in their relationship, even though it may appear terrible to outsiders. Some couples, however, are happiest in their relationships when they are engaged in a good fight. If they stopped fighting, they would not know how to continue in the relationship. If, however, only one partner has the war story, the other can have their life and their relationship made miserable by it. If a relationship with a war story is to be successful, both partners must be "fighters." In any given argument someone different may emerge victorious, but the greatest pleasure for each is their own victory. This relationship can only be truly successful if both partners unequivocally want the same thing.
In such relationships, mutual threats of separation or divorce – or something worse – are common. Neither partner means it seriously, and neither is considering separation. Both are satisfied in the relationship and enjoy it thoroughly. If, however, the war story suits only one partner, it is more than certain that the partner who craves conflict will be frustrated by the peace-loving partner, and vice versa – the peace-loving partner will feel trapped in such a relationship (Sternberg, 2008, p. 164).
Consistent with attachment theory, this story may be related to an anxious attachment style. People with this style of attachment often create "drama" in their relationships – they need intense emotional reactions from their partner. An argument thus paradoxically becomes a way of securing attention (Hazan, Shaver, 1987). This story can also be the result of childhood patterns. If a child grew up amid constant arguments or conflicts between the parents, they may develop the idea that such behaviour is normal in relationships and that intense conflict is part of love (Fraley, Shaver, 2000).
Conclusion
Sternberg's theory of love as a story offers an innovative perspective on romantic relationships. Its main contribution is that it shifts attention from individual personality traits or specific problems towards a more complex understanding of relationships as narrative constructs. This shift helps explain why partners often repeat the same patterns across different relationships – it is not merely about a "poor choice" of partner, but about the story we carry within us and that guides our choices.
The transformative potential of the theory lies in the fact that becoming aware of one's own story may be the first step towards changing it. Changing one's personal narrative is possible, but it requires critical reflection and the courage to re-evaluate what we have taken for granted. If partners can become aware of their stories, they can work together to create a new, shared story that integrates the needs of both.
The theory nonetheless has significant limitations. The first is the unconscious character of stories. Most people are unaware of the stories they carry and how these influence their relationships. Sternberg (2008) argues that conventional couples' therapies often fail because they address symptoms – that is, the specific conflicts of the partners – rather than the causes, which are the stories themselves. The second limitation concerns the question of change – even if someone becomes aware of their story, they may not know how or may not wish to change it. Some stories are so deeply rooted in our identity that changing them would require a fundamental reconstruction of who we are.
Despite these limitations, Sternberg's theory provides a valuable framework for understanding how cultural scripts, personal experiences, and psychological needs jointly shape our experience of love. Its contribution lies especially in opening space for a deeper reflection on the narrative foundations of romantic relationships and offering an alternative perspective on relationship problems that goes beyond traditional therapeutic approaches or one-sided psychological explanations.
Author: Mgr. Stanislava Baranová Department of Ethics and Aesthetics, Faculty of Arts, Constantine the Philosopher University in Nitra This work was supported by the VEGA project 1/0158/23: Non-Religious Spiritual Literacy: Origins, Development in Childhood, and Significance in Adulthood, and by the UGA project II/1/2025: Power Dynamics in Romantic Relationships in Gender and Ethnic Contexts.
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