Stories of Family Violence

Violence against women is an extremely serious social problem. In Slovakia, however, it is still today a topic veiled in silence and is still seen as an individual problem rather than a societal one. In cooperation with OZ Žena v tiesni, we decided to bring you several stories. The women’s identities were changed, but as we know from long practice, these stories in real life are very similar. Through these stories, we mainly want to show that violence against women is not only physical violence, but violence also includes behaviour whose aim is the exercise of power or control over a woman and children. We are presenting six different, but at the same time similar, stories.

Pani TAMARA

Pani Tamara contacted OZ Žena v tiesni after a 25-year marriage; her contact was found by the neighbour with whom she and the children had hidden several times from her husband’s violent behaviour. She lived with the children and her husband in a cooperative apartment.

Her life with her husband was full of humiliation. The husband often drank heavily and did not have steady employment. He blamed her for his failures. He underestimated her as a woman—as a mother and wife—that she did not manage her role. Even though Pani Tamara tried to follow his rules, he always found something he could criticise. In the last years of the marriage, he terrorised not only her but also the children and forced them to buy him beer and cigarettes. When they did not, he began to destroy property in the apartment and threatened to kill them. He physically attacked both her and the children several times. The last attacks required medical treatment.

When Tamara’s husband was under the influence of alcohol, his violent behaviour escalated. He most often threatened that he would throw something out of the window or balcony, that he would not let them into the apartment, or that he would do something to them. He often physically attacked Pani Tamara and also the children. At first, they were ashamed to call the police, then they were afraid of what he might do. In the end, however, the situation became unbearable and they decided to seek help.

After contacting OZ Žena v tiesni by phone, Pani Tamara was scheduled for a personal meeting, where she had space to tell her story. She mainly wanted to divorce, leave her husband, and start living again after all those years. Together with the social worker, they looked for ways and options to solve the situation. After assessing the risk level, they filed a criminal complaint and at the same time submitted to the court an application for a temporary injunction prohibiting his entry into the apartment. While the court had not yet decided on the entry ban, Pani Tamara stayed with her children at the neighbour’s place. The court issued the ban on the violent husband’s entry into the apartment within seven days, and then Pani Tamara returned with the children. She filed a separate court request for the husband’s exclusion from the jointly rented apartment, and the court also granted it. Because they had a cooperative apartment, she filed a court request to terminate the joint lease and became the sole tenant of the apartment.

Leaving the abuser was not easy. During the legal proceedings, he tried to get into the apartment, begged for money, waited for Pani Tamara at work either begging or threatening her, and asked her to change her decision. At present, Pani Tamara lives with her children in her own purchased apartment, and her ex-husband is on probation and lives abroad.

Pani JANA

Pani Jana met a boyfriend when she was 20. He was amazing—at first glance very handsome, clever, kind, and intelligent. In the beginning of the relationship he paid a lot of attention, surprising her with flowers, chocolates, outings and holidays. Later it sometimes happened that he did not come to an agreed date, but he apologised. Either he had lots of work and she understood he needed to give it attention, or he was busy with his hobbies. From her side, however, he expected her to stay at home. Sometimes when she sat with him and his friends, he spoke about her in terms that were unpleasant to her.

After a year of knowing each other, she felt that not everything in their relationship was right. She even considered breaking up, but then found out she was pregnant. The boyfriend asked for her hand and they began living in his apartment. She believed the arrival of a child would change the situation. She also decided to study externally at university to show her husband she was not stupid. After long persuasion, he eventually agreed.

Her husband had sufficient financial means. He gave her a credit card to run the household, but she could not use it as she needed. Since he “supported” the family, he required her to obey him, never oppose him, and always submit to his wishes. He controlled expenditures; she had to “justify” everything. She also had to tell him in advance what she wanted to buy and what she was going to do.

Even after their son was born, he did not change his habits; he often left home for holidays with his friends and spent time on his hobbies. Pani Jana tried to talk with him and resolve the situation. All her attempts ended in failure and humiliation.

She was often thrown out of the apartment with her son and he took her credit card. He wanted to show her what it was like to be without resources. He claimed that without him she could do nothing and would never be able to do anything, that she would not survive without him. He said that if she requested a divorce, she would lose her son because he had enough connections. After each of these scenes, she went to her parents. He then came to her, promised change, said they would discuss everything, and that he could not live without her and the son. After four years in such a marriage, she was exhausted; after repeated departures to her parents, she decided to address the situation. She was afraid about how she would take care of the child and whether in court proceedings she might lose him, but she decided to act. She contacted OZ Žena v tiesni. She filed for divorce; at the second hearing they were divorced, custody of the son was given to her, and child support was set. At present she lives with her parents, finished school, and obtained a university degree.

Pani MÁRIA

Pani Mária is 76 years old, a retired pensioner, a widow and mother of 2 adult children. She lived in a conflictual marriage with a tyrant husband. There was no love, understanding, or support. She was forced to leave their joint home with her children several times. Under pressure from those around her, she always returned to her husband, hoping that cohabitation would improve. Nothing changed.

Even the husband’s death did not bring her relief, because her father’s behaviour had been adopted by her son, who increasingly vented his anger at his mother—his sense of personal failure and professional failure—on her. He did not only mentally abuse her, but in recent years he also physically attacked her: he slapped her without reason, punched her, hit the back of her neck and body with various objects, kicked her, strangled her, threatened to kill her, threw kitchenware and chairs at her, and played the TV and radio loudly late at night, preventing her from sleeping. Since he had been unemployed for a long time and only receiving welfare benefits, he forced her to give him money for his own purposes under threat of beating.

Pani Mária lived under these conditions for almost 20 years. She spoke about her problem for a long time only rarely, and only last year did she confide in her daughter, who contacted the help centre for women experiencing violence, OZ ŽENA V TIESNI. After consultation, she reported her son to the police. After the last assault, he was placed in custody and is now serving an unconditional prison sentence for the offence of abuse of a close person and entrusted person under Section 208(2) of the Criminal Code. Pani Mária is trying to live a new life without fear, but the marks of psychological trauma will remain with her for the rest of her life.

Pani ALENA

Pani Alena (62 years old) married her husband at age 21 after a six-month acquaintance. She received the first slap even before the wedding. She believed that after marriage everything would change. For the first few months, everything was fine. The next attack followed after half a year, when she was pregnant with her first son. The husband beat her because she did not prepare dinner in time. She ended up at emergency care with bruises and a ruptured eardrum. She did not report her husband’s actions, hoping it was only a “short temper” incident—if she had managed to cook dinner on time, her husband would not have been “nervous” and would not have hit her. Over time, family violence escalated to 1–2 times per month. In addition to slaps and kicks, he started controlling money; she had to “account for” every purchase. Within five years of marriage, two more sons were born. Aside from some difficult moments, they lived “peacefully.” In the village, her husband was known as a decent man, willing to help everyone, taking care of the family, not drinking, not smoking… At home, however, he turned into a tyrant who hurt not only his wife but also the sons. At night he would wake them and punish the boys excessively even for the smallest transgressions. He blamed all of their misdeeds on the wife, so he also had to punish her.

After 30 years together, Pani Alena was treated in emergency care 40 times; after fights she had a ruptured eardrum, damaged eye, broken nose, wrist fracture, bruised ribs, and more. She never once told doctors that her husband had caused all the injuries and always made excuses. The attacks escalated to 1–2 times per week. He began controlling her phone and emails and limited visits from her relatives. She had to send her salary to his account, after which he allocated money for household expenses. Daily humiliation, vulgarity and abuse became part of their life. In public, however, they appeared as a harmonious, “normal” family. The children went to school and moved into their own lives. Pani Alena was left alone with the abuser.

The turning point came after one attack, when she again feared for her life. Her husband beat her brutally (he intimidated her with a knife, telling her that if she left, he would find and kill her…) because she had suggested divorce. She confided in this distress to a friend, who gave her the contact for OZ ŽENA V TIESNI.

Pani Alena came to the centre for consultation. There, the staff helped her file for divorce and criminal proceedings and supported her throughout the entire process. She could call them at any time for advice.

At present, Pani Alena is divorced, living in a house with her sons. Her ex-husband was sentenced to 5 years imprisonment without suspended sentence for long-term abuse. He was also ordered not to use joint property.

Pani ZUZANA

Pani Zuzana herself contacted OZ Žena v tiesni. She was unhappy in her marriage and did not identify as a woman living in an abusive relationship because her husband never hit her. The husband drank heavily, and Pani Zuzana assumed that if he could be forced to undergo treatment, they would live better. She felt that she was an abnormal woman because she could not live with her husband.

From the start of their marriage, the husband prioritised the pub and friends, while she had to stay at home. When the children came, she had no time to even realise his restrictions. With two children, a job, and home renovation, she had no time to go anywhere. She had one close friend who visited occasionally, and when she did, the husband grumbled about why she was coming. He was irritated when he was there. However, the friend lent them a decent amount for the house renovation, so he tolerated that somewhat.

As the children grew and left home, Pani Zuzana remained alone with her husband. He began drinking even more. She was allowed to go without permission only to work and to the shop. When she decided to go into town and did not tell him, she returned to a stream of swearing and insults. When she went to a theatre performance with a friend without permission, he called her 30 times; when she came home, he took her phone and threw it to the floor. As punishment, he often restricted access to shared money. He behaved this way whether or not he was drunk.

At a personal meeting with a worker from OZ Žena v tiesni, Pani Zuzana understood that she had lived with an abuser for many years and that the fault was not hers. After longer consideration, she decided to divorce, they sold the joint house, and she now lives alone and is satisfied in her new apartment.

Pani KLÁRA

Klara, an unemployed mother of 3 children, lived in a marriage with an alcoholic and all the time believed he would change. She filed for divorce repeatedly, but each time withdrew it after her husband’s sweet promises.

Only when the crisis in their marriage deepened further did she make a firm decision in crisis counselling and stay with the divorce. Increasing aggression, humiliation, and verbal attacks by her then-husband clearly contributed to this change. Klára was often helpless and had to ask for police protection.

On the very day of the divorce, after returning home from court, she experienced violence again. The police even had to expel the abuser from the apartment for 48 hours. With help from the workers of the crisis centre ŽENA V TIESNI, she successfully filed with the court an application for a temporary injunction barring entry into the shared apartment. The former husband’s aggressive behaviour was also handled by the authorities conducting criminal proceedings. The former husband was convicted of long-term psychological violence, and Klára also obtained an order for him to undergo alcohol treatment within the criminal process.

After the divorce, she arranged property matters with her former husband with the help of centre workers and is now starting over. She is looking for work and even began studying at university.

ŽENA V TIESNI Krízové centrum P.O.BOX 70, Martin 043/4220853 www.zenavtiesni.sk oz.zenavtiesni@tipnet.sk