If you will not be able to personally participate in the discussions on recognizing manipulation and manifestations of domestic violence in a partnership, take the time to read the real stories of victims who got out of the vicious circle of an abusive relationship thanks to the experts of the Crisis Intervention Team (KIT). You can help yourself or someone around you.
The stories of Mrs. Zuzana (https://bit.ly/2MSxEps) and Dominika (https://bit.ly/2tajDur)) are classic examples of abuse of power by a partner and manipulation by a husband. However, we must not forget that any of us can become a victim of domestic violence, regardless of gender, gender, social status, economic situation. It is not even a question of education or family background - even a self-confident woman can succumb to manipulation by her partner (especially in a state of love). setting trust and boundaries in the relationship, no person entering a new partnership expects that their harmonious relationship can turn into a violent one.
The first sign of manipulation and violent behavior is that the partner tries to separate the woman from her environment, which could provide her with critical feedback. This is exactly what happened to Mrs. Dominika, when no one from her close circle was invited to her wedding: "During the planning of the wedding, several rational reasons came up from my partner's side, why such and such a person from my side should not be there. At that time, I perceived that nothing was happening and everything was fine - after all, he was financially providing for the wedding..." However, Mrs. Dominika added after a while: "However, when I think about it now, he was not it was just his welcoming step, for which many women would be grateful, but it was literally a purchase, a premeditated step. However, I was terribly in love, so I blindly overlooked the individual warning signs of manipulation in the relationship - after all, there was always a prompt reaction from his side... At that time, it was enough for me to be his wife, his official wife."
The marriage was followed by her husband's request that Dominika start working from home. When she wanted to go to the gym, he set up a gym for her at home, and when she wanted to go swimming, he referred her to the pool near the house. Added to this were bans on meetings with girlfriends and boyfriends: "even my parents were bad in his eyes, and he convinced me of that too," he states. She began to feel like a bird in a golden cage.
KIT experts point out that the second most common method of manipulation in a relationship is the creation of so-called of a dependent relationship - a woman's conviction that only with this partner she is "safe", protected and has "everything she needs." The partner then has room to undermine her self-confidence and opinions. Dominika's husband trampled on her personality with various targeted attacks: "Several years passed and I knew that I was no longer the ambitious and self-confident woman I used to be. I didn't know who could help me out of this trap and whether I actually wanted it myself. I resigned myself to life."
Deteriorated situation after the birth of a child
Violent behavior can often manifest itself when a child is born into the family. This also happened to two KIT clients - Ms. Zuzana and Dominika, who agreed to publish their stories in order to open the eyes of other potential victims of domestic violence and to speak out about what they experienced and are experiencing.
When Mrs. Dominika's daughter was born after a year of marriage, her husband showed no feelings towards her: "However, he was able to teach me endlessly, he ordered me - how I should take care of her," she states, while also recalling how he attacked her for her physical appearance: "How round I got after giving birth, he told me how disgusting I was. Every time he saw me holding food in my hand, he scolded me for how I looked." obese and snatched the food from my hand... And even though I felt that he sometimes overdoes it, I still hoped that it would all change - after all, it is impossible for a person who once loved me so much to hurt me like this endlessly."
Mrs. Zuzana described a similar break in the relationship and the cooling of feelings just after the birth of their common son, while looking for fault on her side: "I put up with his behavior mainly because of raising the child and being financially dependent on him, as I was only the recipient of the parental allowance at the time." But Zuzana's husband also provoked jealous scenes: "Every man who allowed himself to say hello to me on the street was my lover, and he accused me of promiscuous behavior in an unpleasant, even vulgar way. In the event that I stayed shopping or somewhere else, he repeatedly called me and found out - where I was, who I was with, and especially - when exactly I would return."
Besides psychological wounds and physical attacks
However, the worst thing for Mrs. Zuzana was finding out that her husband had another family somewhere else: "One day I was contacted by his wife, who, according to his claims, should have died in an accident together with their son." She also met her husband's mother and father, whom he hid from her. When Mrs. Zuzana confronted her husband with the facts she had learned about him, it resulted in an open conflict: "He pushed me so hard that I hit the wall, lost my balance and fell to the ground. Before I woke up, he was already running to the stairs... We started to struggle with the child on the stairs, where he twisted my arm so hard that I screamed in pain." When threatened by the police, he just calmly told her that even if she called the police, they wouldn't help her - they wouldn't believe her.
Unfortunately, the called police patrol behaved exactly as this violent and manipulative partner had predicted. After writing down the event and finding out that the house they built and paid for together was actually written only for him, she left devastated with the child: "I parked by the lake like a homeless woman, put my son to bed and started looking for help on the Internet."
Important first contact with KIT
Mrs. Dominika also describes in detail in her story how physical attacks were increasingly associated with verbal humiliation and psychological abuse from her husband. One such argument resulted in the police patrol being called: "However, during one of our other arguments, which he started again (for some stupid, irrelevant reason), he came up behind me, wrapped a cable around my neck and started to strangle me." As she feared, the policemen who were called did not attach any importance to the whole situation. It's hard for her to remember the whole event: "I was disoriented - not only in the whole situation, which quickly turned sour, but also in my own emotions... My head was completely rubberized and my body was torn by feelings of fear and hopelessness, as well as guilt." However, one policewoman wrote her a name and number on a piece of paper with the words: "Call this lady. She is from an organization where they can help you."
In both cases, it was the first telephone contact with a lawyer from the ADRA organization and head of the Crisis Intervention Team (KIT), Daniela Borzová. Mrs. Zuzana recalls this first contact as follows: "We spent the whole night talking on the phone. Finally, someone talked to me, believed me. We discussed everything - his behavior, his actions, while Mrs. Borzová mentioned all the possibilities - how the situation could be solved. I suddenly realized that I was not alone and that there is help - there are people who can and know how to help." Mrs. Dominika has a very similar experience with contacting KIT: "Just the fact that there was suddenly a specific person who wants to help you was incredible for me. From the phone conversation, I felt that I could trust this woman. She made me feel that I am not useless at all, that it is not my fault, and that I too have the right to choose."
The first contact is followed by comprehensive assistance
Mrs. Dominika subsequently met KIT's legal expert, with whom she had that important telephone conversation, at the ADRA office and suddenly found out that "there was not only this lady, but a whole team of great people with whom I am still in contact today... She provides me not only legal, but also psychosocial help and support, and it is thanks to her that I am the strong, self-confident woman again - with ambitions and a smile on my face." Thanks to the Crisis Intervention Team, she broke free from the power and control of her abusive husband and realized that she was not living a dignified life in her relationship with her husband. He was not even suitable for raising their daughter - little Miska.
At the end of their stories, both KIT clients, Mrs. Dominika and Zuzana, state how their lives have changed, and they thank the ADRA KIT workers. Mrs. Zuzana even helps the team with personal participation and participates in public discussions, organized not only for victims of violence. He explains his actions as follows: "I am passing on my story as motivation and inspiration for others, that there is help and that there are people who care about us. You just have to seek their help."
Watch for warning signs in those closest to you
The members of KIT emphasize the importance of support from family, friends, as well as the wider environment, which should not accept less and less contact and gradual isolation (managed by the victim's partner), but notice possible changes and warning signs. Also, timely intervention by experts from individual fields (legal aid, psychological support, social rehabilitation, etc.) can capture every single client's need and help her rebuild a dignified life.
Daniela Borzová, lawyer and head of KIT, points out that a large number of clients have experienced situations similar to those of Ms. Zuzana and Dominika: "Their stories are as if written on a photocopier. However, our clients often experience not only violent and manipulative behavior not only on the part of her partner, but also on the part of the competent, i.e. the police. Professionally, this is called secondary victimization, where the woman as a victim is exposed to incompetent behavior on the part of state and public authorities." The Crisis Intervention Team of the ADRA Slovakia organization is also established for such cases, which intervenes comprehensively and directly in the field.
Text: ADRA KIT team https://www.adra.sk/pomoc-obetiam-nasilia-kit/ Photo: ADRA Slovakia, UN Women